Chapter Two – Bad luck? - Awful luck.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, and I mean EVERY YEAR, I would inevitably stop dating the person I was with. I mean, I would the dating or even “talking” to someone, then something happens. I thought it was because Valentine’s Day is a fake holiday made up by card companies and I sent off this vibe that I hated it and guys picked that up… but now I think it was just because I had bad luck.

This Valentine’s Day my boyfriend, Ray, bought me tickets to see this country singer named Bobby Clifford. I had never heard of him but apparently he was well known in the country world and Ray was into country.

I hated country music, but I didn’t want to discourage him after he already bought the tickets so I decided to have a really nice time with him. I mean, it’s the company that matters, not what you do, right?

It’s Valentine’s Day night, and I’m not exactly sure how these things work, but isn’t Valentine’s Day supposed to be romantic alone time?

Ray’s version of romantic alone time was having nothing to eat before the concert at 7pm (and I’m literally hungry every 3 or 4 hours, like a child), getting picked up by two other couples who were already drunk, and cramming in the back seat of the tinniest Nisan anyone has ever seen. We parked and I walked half a mile in my beautiful new high-heel shoes. That means the fake leather and plastic weren’t broken in yet so I had the gift of blisters.

Once we got there, after we pushed through all the crowds (I hate crowds), I had the wonderful pleasure of sitting next to a couple who were incredibly inappropriate with their hands and then, in the middle of the night, the guy in back of us split beer all over my seat. Of course, I didn’t notice, and I sat down. Yummy. Oh, and did I mention, I broke my phone so I had no way to call anyone in case of an emergency? I was completely trapped.

After we got home, I was hungry, exhausted because I had no sleep the night before, smelt like rotting beer and all I wanted to do was go to bed. But, of course, it was Valentine’s Day and he just paid tons of money to take me to a “great” concert, so we did what most couples do… I’m sure you can fill in the rest.

Then I realized that my womanly gift hadn’t come when it was supposed to. Bad luck? - Awful luck.

Chapter One - The Beginning (Sort Of)

If I started talking about the very beginning of my journey then I would have to start before my birth, but I am not going back that far. I mean, it’s just too much to explain, so I’ll start somewhere else.

It took me three years to get my Associates degree, which isn’t very good when you think about it. I just graduated and I took the summer and went to California to do a research program. It was a blast traveling across the country alone but I had to come back to real life some time, and when I did I realized how bad by procrastination really was. I mean, getting my associates in three instead of two years showed a little procrastination, but I always had reasons. Like, I needed to work to pay for my books, car payment, car insurance, cell phone bill, 25% tuition (because I had a 75% scholarship), gas, food and rent. I rented a cheap room from this old couple I knew because my parents kicked me out, but that story’s for another time and place.

I wanted to keep going to school because I had my scholarship and I didn’t want to lose it, so when I got back from California I applied to StateU. But, I applied a week too late and was accepted for the next year. Basically, I had an entire five months of no school. This was not good as I get bored very easily, so I moved in with my Dad and got a new, full time, assistant manager job paying way more than I could imagine.

This wasn’t the greatest of all ideas because my Dad is a closet drunk, and I don’t put up with drunks very well, so he kicked me out. Really, I kicked myself out.

That’s where my life began. I was finally free to breath. I started going to school online, I had a brand new boyfriend who was wonderful, a small but great group of friends and a little room that I rented from a lady who was incredibly friendly and easy to live with, Bonnie. The only issues I had were work related, no big deal. I thought I could conquer the world, but on my 22nd birthday things started getting weird.

Stupid Ex

I’m opposed to many things but love isn’t one of them. Just because I talk about the difficulties of dating for a woman like me doesn’t mean I am against men. I love men. I could go into more detail, but I really don’t think it would be appropriate.

As it stands, and I will make this public knowledge, I have been in a relationship, fallen in love, trusted someone, and been burned. Do you know what I learned from that relationship?

I learned what most people should already know, but don’t. Trust yourself and love yourself. If you don’t do those two things you will have absolutely no success in relationships. None.

It’s simple, if you don’t love who you are then how can you possibly love the person standing right next to you? How can you even see the person sitting across from you? How can you see yourself? You can’t. You can’t see anything. You are blind, and that’s not good when it comes to love because love is already a hindrance to sight.

Let me see if I can break this down. The man I thought I wanted was tall, dark and handsome. Fun and easy to get along with. Happy and driven and works hard, and he needed to be smart but not necessarily educated. I wanted my dream man to have a passion for something and to be dedicated to his family. And, guess what, I found that. But, do you know what it came with?

The man I thought I would marry one day ended up threatening his own life, having no back bone and doing only what his mother says, having incredible anger issues, and controlled my every move. He was manipulative and talked about our sex life with his buddies. Side note, ladies, if a guy talks about your sex life with other people besides you then it’s a huge red flag. It took me three months to realize that he wasn’t the one for me and I decided to dedicate a year of my life to me. Concentrating on my studies as well as my mental and emotional development and well being.

But now, I am confident and I love who I am and I don’t want to lower my standards just to be with a guy. Things are clearer for me, but the difficulty of my past and present give obstacles for my future. (See what I did there? Clever, no?)

Don’t get caught up in the perfect guy, get caught up in the imperfect you and a guy will come along that will love you for exactly who you are. At least, that’s what I try to tell myself every morning when I wake up.